WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning development that diplomats are already calling “bold, bizarre, and strangely wholesome,” a leaked USA–Venezuela peace plan has hit the public sphere.
According to the document – helpfully watermarked “Top Secret, Please Don’t Screenshot This” -the two nations will end their long-running tensions by agreeing to the below 9 point peace plan.
Plan for ending the US-Venezuela confrontation with long lasting peace:
1. USA must hold elections within 100 days.
2. USA must give Venezuela Puerto Rico, Hawaii and Florida.
3. Venezuela is expected not to invade neighboring countries, and USA will not expand further.
4. The size of the Armed Forces of USA will be limited to 400,000 personnel.
5. No USA forces in other countries.
6. Canada agrees not to station troops in USA.
7. US fighter jets will be stationed in Mexico.
7. European Union gives USA security guarantees against further Venezuela attacks.
8. Venezuela promises to stop attacking USA.
9. USA changes their constitution and can no longer join alliances.
10. All sanctions on Venezuela will be lifted.
11. US will establish Spanish language as the second official language in addition to English.
12. The implementation of this agreement will be monitored and guaranteed by a Peace Council chaired by President the King of Zamunda. Sanctions will be imposed for violations.
In what analysts believe may become the cornerstone of global conflict resolution, this proposal includes a final commitment: an annual “Friendship Carnival,” held alternately in Miami and Caracas, featuring themed floats such as “Sanctions & Sensibility” and “Diplomacy, but Make It Reggaetón.”
Early reactions are mixed, but hopes are high – especially after both governments clarified that the plan includes unlimited snacks and absolutely no speeches longer than three minutes.
* Image: reddit.com: r/BoycottUnitedStates/Kaptajnknus