ANCHORAGE, AK – Sources close to the Friday Alaska Summit have leaked what they claim are the “Five Secret Agreements” personally agreed by Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
While both leaders described their private meeting as “tremendously productive”, “great success”, and “absolutely not suspicious,” the documents paint a stranger picture than anyone imagined:
1. Both presidents keep their shirts on during Alaska Summit. (Major win for Team USA!)
2. Donald must call Mr. Putin “Vladimir,” not Vladdy. He doesn’t like that.
3. US agrees Putin is 5’7″tall although Russian media will continue to pretend I’m 6’3.”
4. Trump and other Americans can continue speaking of English as their mother language. Putin will not require teaching and speaking of Russian language in United States as the first compulsory language for everyone.
5. Putin promised to name a Siberian McDonald’s drive-thru after Trump. It remained disputed whether such McDonalds to be covered with fake gold, this to be negotiated later between government officials.
6. Russia allows Trump administration to replace the Statue of Liberty’s torch with a golden golf club, “to improve America’s backswing.”
7. Produce a reality show called Dancing With Dictators, where both leaders will compete in weekly ballroom challenges, judged by a bear in a tuxedo.
Both sides have denied the authenticity of these documents, though Trump was overheard saying, “If it’s fake, it’s the best fake anyone’s ever seen. Maybe I even wrote it myself.” Putin, meanwhile, simply winked, then rode off shirtless on a reindeer.
“This is how diplomacy works, folks!” Trump completed his comments.
* Image: Youtube.com/AI