WASHINGTON, D.C. – Representatives of conservative party declared that President Donald Trump “single-handedly saved America” by not surrendering Alaska to Russian president Putin during the negotiations in Alaska Summit last Friday.
“People don’t understand,” one GOP leader said. “Every ten minutes, Putin asked Trump, like, ‘Bro, Alaska?’ And every time, Trump courageously replied, ‘No.’ That’s Nobel Peace Prize material right there!”
Another party leader went on to argue that Alaska was “basically dangling off the edge of America anyway” and that keeping it was a diplomatic triumph comparable to ending the Cold War.
He also suggested renaming the state “Trumpaska” in honor of his “bravery under imaginary negotiations.”
When asked if he was aware that Alaska has been a U.S. state since 1959, the party representative brushed off the question: “History is fake news, except for the parts I agree with. What matters is that Trump didn’t lose it. Biden probably would’ve sold it on eBay by now.”
The Nobel Committee has not responded to GOP leaders’ request, though one member allegedly sighed heavily and muttered, “We’re not giving out prizes for not doing things… again.”
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