NEW YORK, NYC – In a shocking departure from tradition, New York City announced yesterday that its next mayor will not be chosen through ballots, debates, or campaign slogans, but through an all-out fitness competition at the YMCA in Midtown. The winner and new mayor of New York City will be the strongest candidate.
Dubbed the “Democracy of Dumbbells,” the citywide contest will feature pull-up battles, treadmill sprints, and a climactic bench-press showdown to determine who is truly strong enough to carry the weight of governing eight million people.
Election officials insist this change is “long overdue,” claiming that strength and stamina are more reliable indicators of leadership than speeches or policy plans.
“If you can’t outlift a barbell, how are you supposed to lift the city’s spirits?” said one enthusiastic city clerk, while curling a water cooler jug.
The candidates have already begun training. One front-runner was spotted dragging a Citi Bike up Fifth Avenue, while another has been shadowboxing hot dog vendors to improve hand speed.
Rumors swirl that an underdog candidate may attempt a heroic deadlift of a Staten Island ferry to secure votes, or at least respect.
The winner of the “Flex-it-orial Election” will not only become mayor but will also receive a golden kettlebell, a lifetime supply of protein powder, and the solemn duty of spotting every New Yorker during metaphorical and literal heavy lifts.
Pollsters warn turnout may be low, however, since many residents are skipping leg day.
* Image: X.com/@ericadamsfornyc