WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump today signed an executive order mandating that every character in the current season of South Park must bear his face.
The order, titled “Making Cartoons Great Again,” specifies that Eric Cartman, Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and even Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo must now appear with Trump’s signature hair, spray-tan glow, and trademark pout.
“Frankly, it’s going to be the most beautiful season of television, maybe ever,” Trump declared at a podium flanked by cardboard cutouts of himself in winter coats.
Show creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone hastily released statement, wherein they said, “We always thought parody had limits, but apparently the U.S. government disagrees. We’re currently trying to animate 147 different Trumps, all yelling at each other. It’s terrifying.”
Rumors suggest the duo have already started stockpiling whiskey, duct tape, and Canadian passports in preparation.
Fans are equally bewildered. One Colorado man described his confusion: “I just watched the new episode, and I swear it was like 22 minutes of Trump arguing with himself about who had the best hats.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists online are claiming this is the first step in Trump’s broader plan to replace every television character in America with a version of himself, starting with Elmo. The muppets, according to insiders, are “nervously adjusting their hairpieces.”
Still, Trump seems unfazed by the backlash. When asked if he was worried the move might upset loyal South Park viewers, he replied, “Everybody loves me. Cartman loves me, Kyle loves me, Kenny loves me – even though he dies every week, which is sad, very sad. And honestly, I’ve always said I’d look tremendous in a parka.”
The executive order goes into effect immediately, with the next episode expected to feature 14 Trumps arguing over who has the best Wall.
*Image: AI-generated