WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has economists confused and conspiracy theorists foaming at the mouth, President Donald Trump is reportedly considering declassifying the long-rumored Epstein files after August’s jobs report came in “worse than a McDonald’s ice cream machine on Labor Day.”
Sources close to the former president say the idea came up during a golf outing when an aide suggested that “if people are busy arguing about flight logs, nobody will remember the unemployment rate.”
The Bureau of Labor Statistics confirmed that the August numbers were “ugly,” with job growth so weak it “wouldn’t even pass a drug test at Walmart.”
Analysts warn the poor report could hurt Trump’s economic narrative, but the campaign insists the president is prepared to pivot.
“If the economy looks bad, the Epstein list looks good,” said one advisor, polishing a MAGA hat with the focus of a man who knows his talking points will soon be drowned out by wild speculation.
Political opponents blasted the rumored move as reckless. “Releasing unverified scandal files to distract from a bad jobs report is not sound economic policy,” said one Democratic strategist.
However, Republicans pushed back, noting that “if the files name enough celebrities, the stock market might actually rally on sheer chaos.”
As of press time, Trump had not confirmed whether the Epstein files would actually be made public, though one insider hinted they might be released “accidentally on Truth Social, right between a post about windmills causing cancer and a coupon code for Trump Wine.”
Meanwhile, average Americans continue to wait for jobs, analysts continue to wait for stability, and journalists continue to wait for their editors to greenlight an Epstein headline without fainting.
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