MOSCOW, RUSSIA – In a move that baffled diplomats, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly announced today that he would immediately end all Russia’s aggression against Ukraine the moment Donald Trump releases the complete, unredacted Epstein files.
Putin reportedly declared the move “the only fair trade left in geopolitics,” adding that “peace for truth” was a concept “the West is not brave enough to handle.”
“Peace is important,” Putin declared. “But truth is more important.” He did not clarify what the Epstein files had to do with Ukraine, but nodded sagely when pressed, adding, “Everything is connected. You just have to look at the flight logs.”
Russian state media promptly aired a 3-hour documentary featuring grainy photos of private jets, dolphins, and a blurry man who might or might have not been Jeffrey Epstein.
Trump, reached for comment at his golf club, reportedly responded, “I have the best Epstein files, everyone says so. Maybe I’ll release them, maybe I won’t, it depends on how strong the handshake is.”
When told of Putin’s proposal, he added, “It’s a tremendous deal, maybe the best peace deal ever, and everyone will thank me. Especially Putin. He loves me, by the way.”
International analysts expressed confusion but admitted the situation was, for once, mildly entertaining. “It’s not often you see geopolitics, true crime, and reality TV collide in real time,” said one bewildered UN official.
*Image: AI-generated