WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump signed today an Executive Order mandating that Starbucks employees must “respectfully, beautifully, and perfectly” spell every customer’s name on their coffee cups.
Speaking in the White House Oval Office, Trump declared, “For years, folks have been getting their names wrong, terribly wrong. It’s a disaster. Nobody knows how to spell. But under my administration, we’re bringing spelling back. Bigly.”
The Executive Order, dubbed the “Grande Respect Act,” requires all Starbucks baristas to confirm, spell, and – if necessary – practice writing customers’ names before handing over the beverage.
According to the official White House-style press release, violators could face “mandatory training in penmanship and patriotism.”
Sources close to Starbucks claim that CEO Laxman Narasimhan immediately called an emergency meeting to discuss the logistics of enforcing accurate name spellings while still keeping frappuccinos under 900 calories.
Reactions have been mixed. Supporters on Truth Social hailed the move as the greatest civil rights victory since Happy Hour, while critics warned it could slow down the morning coffee rush to “an apocalyptic crawl.”
One Washington D.C. Starbucks manager expressed concern, saying, “We just learned how to spell ‘Venti’ correctly last year. This might be too much, too soon.”
Meanwhile, Trump’s campaign store has already begun selling limited-edition mugs reading, “They/Them? I/Win.”
When asked if he personally spells other peoples’ names correctly, Trump nodded solemnly. “Of course I do,” he said. “The best ones. Everybody says so. People come up to me and say, ‘Sir, your name spelling are tremendous.’ And they are. Nobody’s names are better than mine.”
Starbucks has yet to comment officially, though insiders report that the corporation is quietly testing a new slogan: “Make Coffee Spelling Great Again.”
*Image: AI-generated