NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – New York City counsel announced today that from now on Times Square will feature nothing but massive, glowing affirmations instead of corporate ads.
“For too long, this city has been shown only commercial ads promoting soda, sneakers, and self-loathing,” the mayor of New York City declared from a podium framed by LED daisies.
“Starting today, Times Square will remind every New Yorker that they are enough – whether or not they can afford rent,” the mayor explained.
Construction crews began swapping out billboards early this morning, replacing a 100-foot Calvin Klein model with the phrase “YOU’RE DOING GREAT, SWEETIE.”
A nearby electronic ticker that once displayed the Nasdaq now scrolls, “IT’S OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK.”
Tourists reportedly looked confused but slightly calmer, while one lifelong New Yorker was overheard muttering, “I still hate it here, but I feel oddly seen.”
Critics of the policy argue that the move could cost the city billions in ad revenue, but city mayor brushed off concerns. “You can’t put a price on emotional stability,” he said, while unveiling a new holographic projection that beams “BREATHE, BABE” onto nearby office windows.
City economists were later seen hyperventilating, presumably before remembering to breathe, babe.
When asked what’s next for his administration, the mayor hinted at further initiatives to “rebrand misery.” Rumors suggest he’s considering replacing subway announcements with guided meditations and renaming potholes as “urban mindfulness moments.”
As one Times Square street performer put it, “It’s nice that the mayor wants us to feel better, but I’d still prefer universal healthcare over universal compliments.”
*Image: AI-image