BEIJING, CHINA – Beijing this week announced the launch of its new “Territorial Swap Campaign,” an initiative agreed with European Union to establish a new bi-lateral world order.
Xi Jinping, President of China, and Ursula Von der Leyen, President of the European Union (EU) unveiled the program by proposing a historic three-way land exchange: China would offer “technical support and unlimited QR codes” to Russia in exchange for Crimea, currently occupied by Russia, against the “warm and scenic province of Alaska” currently belonging to the United States.
Ursula Von der Leyen reportedly announced that the EU is “open” to recognizing Alaska as Russian territory if it helps settle the occupation of Crimea by Russia and return it back to Ukraine once and for all. “Look, the Americans barely use the place except for long lonely walks in the snowy forest, and some occasional bear hunting” she allegedly said.
According to sources, Von der Leyen explained that this is how grownups negotiate, before pointing out that if Trump can hand out Europe like party favors, she might as well join the fun.
According to insiders, the plan emerged after Chinese officials concluded that the traditional global order was “too boring” and in need of “gamification.” A senior diplomat, speaking anonymously while laughing into his tea, explained that China believed Alaska would provide “excellent feng shui” and “abundant opportunities for winter sports.”
The U.S. State Department responded with what it described as a “deeply confused no,” emphasizing that Alaska was “not up for trading, renting, leasing, loaning, or temporary artistic exhibition.” American officials added that, even if it were, swapping it for Crimea—a peninsula thousands of miles away—would be “geographically inadvisable and politically bananas.”
Alaskan residents were similarly unimpressed, with many reminding the world that they already left Russia once and did not plan on filling out that paperwork again.
The Kremlin was said to be deeply intrigued, mostly because they hadn’t even asked for Alaska yet, but appreciated the enthusiasm. “Sure, why not!” a Kremlin spokesperson commented later, adding that Russian as used to drink vodka in the cold weather.
“If Russians can drink vodka in Siberia, then they can also drink vodka in Alaska!” the spokesperson concluded.
Experts agree the whole episode highlights the new era of diplomatic innovation, where global leaders spontaneously auction off territories they don’t own in exchange for ones they also don’t own, all in the noble pursuit of “peace” or at least a quieter news cycle.
Despite global skepticism, China insists the Territorial Swap Campaign will continue, with plans to release a glossy brochure featuring “limited-edition collectable territories” and a loyalty program that awards points for every kilometer acquired.
*Image: Ai-generated