MINNEAPOLIS, MN – United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials announced Monday that after several weeks of “tireless effort, heroic coffee consumption, and at least three lost flash drives,” they have officially failed to locate any Epstein files in the state of Minnesota.
“We checked the obvious places,” said a spokesperson, gesturing vaguely at a map with multiple coffee stains. “Basements, filing cabinets, and that one drawer everyone swears is important but never opens.”
According to the agency, agents conducted what they described as a “methodical and deeply serious” search that included knocking on random office doors, Googling “Epstein Minnesota???” multiple times, and briefly considering whether the files might be “vibes-based.”
One agent reportedly spent an entire afternoon staring at a manila folder labeled “Definitely Not Epstein Stuff,” just to be safe.
“You can’t rush this kind of work,” the agent explained. “That’s how you miss things. Or find snacks. It goes either way.”
ICE leadership praised the dedication of their team, noting that morale remained high despite setbacks like accidentally re-searching the same room four times and mistaking a Costco receipt for classified material.
“Our people gave 110 percent,” the spokesperson said. “The other 10 percent was stuck in traffic on I-94, but spiritually, it was there.”
Officials emphasized that no stone was left unturned, though several were put back because they were heavy and someone threw out their back.
The agency concluded by assuring the public that if the files ever do appear in Minnesota, they will be “addressed with the full seriousness they deserve, after a quick meeting to figure out where Minnesota ends exactly.”
Until then, ICE plans to stand by its findings, update its search methods, and possibly invest in labels that say what’s actually inside the folder.
“This isn’t the outcome we wanted,” the spokesperson admitted, “but it is the outcome we have confidently announced.”
*Image: AI-generated