WASHINGTON,D.C. – In a stunning breakthrough that officials are calling “a landmark victory for geometric accountability,” the FBI announced today the arrest of the notorious and long-elusive Black Rectangle, which allegedly appeared more than 6 million times across the recently unsealed Epstein files.
Agents confirmed the suspect was taken into custody without incident after being cornered in the margins of a heavily redacted court transcript.
“We always knew it was hiding something,” said one investigator. “Frankly, it was a little too well-positioned on every single page.”
Authorities say the Black Rectangle has been a person of interest for years, frequently spotted obstructing key names, dates, and entire paragraphs.
According to insiders, the shape maintained a low profile by blending into official documents, often posing as a “necessary privacy measure.” But forensic analysts grew suspicious after noticing it appeared with unusual frequency and consistency, sometimes covering everything except the page numbers and the word ‘the.’
Legal experts are divided on what charges the Black Rectangle may face. Proposed counts include Obstruction of Transparency, Conspiracy to Conceal, and First-Degree Formatting.
Civil liberties groups have already rallied to its defense, arguing that the Rectangle was “just following orders” from higher authorities armed with thick markers and a deep commitment to ambiguity.
Meanwhile, several Sharpies have reportedly agreed to cooperate in exchange for immunity.
At press time, the FBI confirmed that they are actively searching for additional accomplices, including the equally elusive White Space and the mysterious Phrase “Ongoing Investigation.”
Officials warned the public to remain vigilant, noting that the Black Rectangle has a long history of reappearing exactly where it is least helpful.
“This is just the beginning,” one agent said gravely. “Next, we’re coming for the footnotes.”
*Image: TikTok/@deldubois