WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Justice announced Tuesday that it will be hiring a highly qualified nanny to coach Secretary of Justice Pam Bondi ahead of her next appearance before the United States Senate Committee on the Judiciary.
According to an internal memo accidentally printed on construction paper, the new role will focus on “inside voices, taking turns, and answering the actual question that was asked.”
Sources say the ideal candidate must have at least 10 years of experience managing sugar-fueled toddlers, a certification in Advanced Time-Out Strategy, and the ability to calmly repeat the phrase, “Let’s try that again, but with facts.”
The nanny will reportedly travel with a laminated “Manners Chart,” complete with gold stars for “Direct Answer,” “No Eye Rolling,” and the rarely achieved “Stayed On Topic.”
Officials insist the hire is not punitive, but rather “proactive emotional infrastructure.”
A DOJ spokesperson explained, “We simply believe that before leading the nation’s top law enforcement agency, one should master fundamentals such as listening without interrupting and not responding to oversight with what experts call ‘playground sass.’”
Early training modules allegedly include “Raising Your Hand Before Objecting” and “How to Disagree Without Dramatically Sighing.”
The department has allocated funds for juice boxes, a calming corner beanbag, and a small bell the nanny may ring whenever a sentence begins with, “As I’ve already said.”
Lawmakers expressed cautious optimism that by the next hearing, Secretary Bondi will demonstrate measurable growth in sentence completion and question comprehension.
Until then, Capitol Hill staffers are reportedly preparing a sticker that reads, “I used my words correctly today.”
*Image: AI-generated