WASHINGTON, D.C. – A coalition of local pigeons and doves announced they will be the only party providing “full coverage” of the newly installed Trump-Epstein Titanic-style sculpture.
The monument, depicting the Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein dramatically leaning forward like the famous bow scene from blockbuster movie ‘Titanic‘, has already stirred heated debate among humans.
The birds, however, clarified that their definition of “coverage” would be interpreted in the most literal possible sense.
“We believe in thorough, continuous, and highly visible coverage,” explained Gerald, a veteran city pigeon who claims to have worked the Lincoln Memorial beat since 2017.
“Unlike cable news, we don’t just talk about events. We go directly to the source and cover it.” Moments after the statement, several members of the local pigeon corps demonstrated the “special coverage” policy by circling the statue and dropping what Gerald described as “our opening special coverage layer”.
The birds also promised “balanced reporting from multiple angles, altitudes, and digestive cycles.”
According to the document, investigative teams will conduct repeated flyovers to ensure that no portion of the sculpture remains uncovered by their ongoing analysis.
Another dove comment that the statue’s shoulders, hairline, and extended Titanic-style arms offer “excellent landing zones for continued coverage.”
City maintenance crews declined to comment on the pigeons’ interpretation of “coverage”, but confirmed that the statue has already received what officials called “an unusually high volume of attention by local pigeons.”
Meanwhile, local pigeon corps plan to maintain constant “coverage” throughout the coming weeks, adding that public participation is welcome, particularly if visitors bring bagels, pretzels, or “anything that helps keep the “newsroom “special coverage” running efficiently.”
*Image: AI-generated