PIERRE, SD – 38-year-old Craig Donnelly announced this week that he is officially giving up on dieting and will now focus all his energy on growing taller. This bold pivot has confused his doctors and delighted his barber
“I’ve tried keto, paleo, intermittent fasting, and even that thing where you eat like a Victorian chimney sweep,” Donnelly told reporters while chewing on a donut. “None of it worked. So I figured, maybe the problem isn’t my width, it’s my height.”
Donnelly, who stands at 5’7” (and sits at 5’7” as well), claims he came to this revelation after seeing an ad for a questionable height-enhancing supplement on a late-night conspiracy channel. “It’s all about perception,” he explained. “If I grow to 6’5”, I won’t be overweight anymore, I’ll be proportionally majestic.”
He has since invested in a pair of gravity boots, a medieval stretching rack he found on Craigslist, and a yoga class called “Upward Ambition.”
Friends and family are reportedly baffled but cautiously supportive. “Honestly, this is the most optimistic Craig has been since he tried to juice a steak,” said his sister, Melanie. “If hanging upside down for hours a day gives him hope, who am I to judge? At least it’s not another cabbage soup phase.”
Meanwhile, local gym staff have noted a sharp decrease in treadmill complaints since Craig stopped attempting “high-speed waddles.”
Medical experts remain skeptical. “There’s no scientific evidence that adult humans can grow taller past a certain age,” said Dr. Karen Peebles. “But if it keeps him out of the donut aisle for a week, I guess we’ll call it progress.”
Donnelly, undeterred, announced he plans to launch a YouTube channel chronicling his vertical journey. Working title: The Stretch Goals.
* Image: AI-generated