NEW YORK CITY, NY — In what sources are calling “the most New York story of the decade,” Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly found alive and well in his own apartment this morning, prompting city officials to confirm that, yes, he is very much alive, very much 34, and still somehow Mayor.
Eyewitnesses say the mayor was discovered sipping his hot morning coffee, scrolling through city budget spreadsheets, and muttering, “I knew they’d forget about me eventually.”
The confusion began when citizens, local politicians, and at least three conspiracy theorists started circulating rumors that Mamdani had been missing for several hours during last night.
“The last time we saw Mayor Mamdani was when he was leaving his office last night. Since that there were no signs of him for several hours during last night. We all just assumed he might have joined a secret society or moved to a remote island to practice crisis-free governance,” said one bewildered New York City hall employee. “Turns out, he was just sleeping at his home living like any other normal New Yorker. Shocking!”
Upon his “rediscovery,” the mayor reportedly expressed mild surprise, stating, “I appreciate the concern, but I’m honestly more impressed that people can remember my age correctly. That’s the real miracle here.”
City hall confirmed that no official search had been conducted, largely because everyone had assumed he was busy doing mayoral stuff somewhere else.
The mayor’s office has since issued a statement reminding New Yorkers that, despite rumors, Zohran Mamdani is still alive, still governing, and still capable of ignoring their emails with impeccable efficiency.
As a result of this unexpected situation, the city has also instituted a new protocol: always check if your elected officials are actually in the building before starting a panic.
*Image: AI-generated