WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of unity not seen since everyone agreed the office thermostat is wrong, congressional leaders announced today that they have reached a historic bipartisan agreement to be absolutely furious at one another.
Emerging from a closed-door meeting that reportedly included catered sandwiches and several dramatic sighs, lawmakers confirmed they had finally found common ground: the other side is the worst.
Sources say the breakthrough came after hours of intense negotiations in which members carefully coordinated the timing of their outrage, ensuring it would trend efficiently across all major social media platforms.
“We may disagree on policy, spending, and what day it is,” said one senior lawmaker, “but we stand shoulder to shoulder in our commitment to expressing theatrical indignation.”
Staffers confirmed that both parties agreed to alternate who gets to say “This is unprecedented” at least twice per press conference.
The agreement includes a robust framework for synchronized eye-rolling, strategic finger-pointing, and a shared calendar to prevent overlapping accusations of “destroying the nation.”
In a rare show of cooperation, aides from both sides even collaborated on a 47-page glossary clarifying the precise differences between “deeply concerned,” “gravely concerned,” and “so concerned we scheduled another hearing.”
Insiders say the mood was collegial, with several lawmakers privately admitting they respect each other’s dedication to appearing outraged at exactly the right camera angle.
While critics argue the deal falls short of addressing pressing national issues, congressional leaders insist it represents meaningful progress.
“This proves our democracy works,” one official declared, moments before accusing the other party of single-handedly inventing potholes.
Negotiators are already optimistic about future collaborations, including a tentative bipartisan resolution to blame each other for the weather.
*Image: AI-generated