WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a reassuring press conference held somewhere definitely not tracked, the FBI announced today that it only monitors “the fun parts” of Americans’ lives, following recent reports that the agency has purchased large amounts of location data.
“We want to be very clear,” said a spokesperson, adjusting a pair of suspiciously reflective sunglasses, “we’re not interested in your boring commute or dentist appointments. We’re here for brunch, vacations, and whatever you did last Friday night after 11:47 p.m.”
The statement comes amid growing public concern over surveillance and privacy rights, though officials were quick to emphasize that their focus is strictly recreational.
“If you’re doing something embarrassing, spontaneous, or mildly questionable, that’s our jurisdiction,” the spokesperson added.
“Think of us less as a surveillance agency and more as a highly invested lifestyle follower.” Sources confirm the agency has already compiled several “Top 10 Moments You Didn’t Think Anyone Saw” lists for internal morale.
Critics argue that this distinction does little to address the broader issue of warrantless data collection, but the FBI insists the approach is both ethical and efficient.
“Why sift through hours of uneventful footage when we can skip straight to karaoke night?” said one analyst, who reportedly flagged a surge in off-key renditions of early 2000s hits as a “national trend worth monitoring.”
Officials also noted that gym visits are only tracked if they end in smoothies or selfies.
The bureau also announced plans to roll out a new feature allowing citizens to “optimize” their trackable moments by tagging outings as “not worth it” or “please forget this immediately.”
Early testers report mixed results, with one user claiming the system still highlighted a regrettable attempt at rollerblading as “high-value content.”
Meanwhile, the FBI reassured Americans once again: “If it’s not fun, we’re probably not watching. Probably.”
*Image: AI-generated