WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left geopolitical analysts, cartographers, and most of America scratching their heads, President Donald Trump has reportedly proposed ceding both Alaska and California to Russia in an effort to “psychologically corner” Russian president Vladimir Putin into ending the war in Ukraine.
“Putin won’t know what to do with that,” Trump told reporters at a press conference. “He’ll be like, ‘Wait, is this a trap?’ And then – boom! Peace.”
Trump insists that the plan is “genius-level reverse psychology” and claims he got the idea from watching an old episode of The Apprentice and half a documentary about the Cold War.
“Look, Alaska used to be Russian anyway, so it’s just a refund. And California… well, honestly, I’ve never liked how they look at me in L.A.,” Trump said.
When asked how Californians felt about suddenly becoming Russian citizens, Trump responded, “They already love communism out there, so they’ll fit right in. Plus, Putin can have Hollywood. Let’s see how he handles award show season.”
He added that this was all part of his “Art of the Deal: Submission to Russia Edition.”
The Kremlin has not officially responded but sources say Putin is “deeply confused,” reportedly muttering, “Is this a prank? Where’s Ashton Kutcher?”
Meanwhile, Alaska has offered to relocate to Canada, and California is drafting a counteroffer to sell itself to New Zealand instead.
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