WASHINGTON, D.C – President Donald Trump declared victory after what he described as “the toughest, classiest, most tremendous negotiations ever” with Russian president Vladimir Putin on Friday in Alaska.
According to Trump, Russia had been “very interested, very strongly interested, unbelievably interested” in reclaiming Alaska, which was sold to the United States in 1867.
“They wanted it back, folks. They wanted it so badly. But I told them, ‘No way. Alaska loves me too much!’ And we kept it. Huge win!” Trump proclaimed at a press conference.
Trump insisted that without his personal intervention, the U.S. would have been forced to “hand over the keys to Alaska, maybe even the snow, maybe even the moose,” claiming other leaders “would’ve just folded like a cheap igloo.”
He emphasized the importance of the state, adding: “Alaska has the best oil, the best fish, and some of the most incredible bears – many of them have told me they support me, very strongly.”
When asked what concessions were made during the talks, Trump stated: “I promised Putin that we shall start learning Russian language, all over the United States.”
“But that’s not a big deal,” Trump quickly added. “Russian is a beautiful language, may be the most beautiful language in the world, Vladimir himself confirmed that to me!” Trump proudly stated.
“Frankly, I think he got a terrible deal, and I got a good, very good deal! I always get the best deals,” was Trump sure.
Celebrations broke out in Anchorage after the announcement, with residents reportedly relieved.
One local commented: “I didn’t even know giving Alaska back was on the table, but thanks, I guess?”
Meanwhile, Putin has yet to confirm any of these negotiations actually took place.
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