NUUK, GREENLAND – Greenland’s Parliament issued a statement saying they are open to discussions about becoming the 51st U.S. state, but just as soon as America finally releases the long-awaited Epstein files.
Officials explained that before signing up for “the whole stars-and-stripes thing,” they’d like to confirm whether the U.S. is run by responsible leaders or by the same people who somehow thought naming an island covered in ice “Greenland” was a good idea.
The move comes after decades of half-serious U.S. interest in purchasing Greenland, most famously when President Donald Trump has floated the idea several times lately. So far, Greenland’s officials have laughed it off. But now, they say the idea isn’t entirely off the table, provided Washington shows it can be transparent about who was on Epstein’s guest list.
“If you expect us to deal with blizzards nine months a year and U.S. politics, at least give us some receipts,” one Greenlandic lawmaker quipped.
Analysts say Greenland’s condition could complicate talks. “This is unprecedented,” said one American political strategist. “Normally, when a territory joins the U.S., we offer them statehood, representation, and, in Guam’s case, a Costco. We’ve never had to throw in an FBI vault full of scandalous files before.”
Sources close to the situation report that lobbyists in Washington are scrambling to decide whether to release the documents or just try to bribe Greenland with unlimited Starbucks franchises.
Meanwhile, Greenlanders themselves seem divided. Some say they’d welcome statehood if it meant better internet speeds and NBA games on TV before 3 a.m. Others remain skeptical, worrying about being lumped into American culture wars.
As one local fisherman put it: “We don’t mind polar bears, but we’re not sure we can survive Florida politicians. Let’s see the files first.”
* Image: AI-generated