VATICAN CITY – In a bombshell news announced by leading theologians and conspiracy theorists, sources claim that if Donald J. Trump had been Pope during the time of Jesus, the crucifixion would have been “totally avoided, believe me—very unnecessary, very sad.”
In this alternate reality, Pope Trump reportedly used “tremendous negotiation skills” to strike a “historic, beautiful deal” with Pontius Pilate, involving tax breaks, a golden temple resort in Galilee, and naming rights to the Sea of Trump.
“Let me tell you, folks,” Alternate-Reality Pope Trump allegedly declared in his sermon on the mount – delivered from a custom-built marble escalator – “Jesus is a great guy. Maybe the best. Some people are saying he could walk on water. I told him, ‘Jesus, you’re tremendous, but let’s get you a legal team and a branding consultant. Crucifixion? Not on my watch. We’re going to resurrect your image without you dying!’”
As a result, Jesus avoided the cross entirely and instead launched a wildly successful podcast called “Loaves, Fishes & Free Market Wishes,” co-hosted by Saint Peter and sponsored by Chick-fil-A.
The show, which covers theology, carpentry, and cryptocurrency, regularly tops celestial iTunes charts. According to heavenly Nielsen ratings, his “Beatitudes Breakdown” segment is particularly popular among millennial seraphim.
The Vatican, in response to the leak, has denied any involvement in alternate timeline manipulation but admitted they are “keeping an open mind.”
Meanwhile, Pope Trump – still wearing a MAGA miter – has announced a new initiative: “Make Heaven Great Again,” promising to install gold escalators at the Pearly Gates and replace traditional halos with “Classy, tasteful LED crowns – American made, of course.”