LOS ANGELES, CA – Hollywood’s biggest studios announced today that starting this fall winter, every single film release – whether it’s an indie drama, a superhero blockbuster, or a reboot of Shrek – will now begin with a mandatory 15-minute Broadway-style drag performance.
Executives revealed the decision at a press conference where they were flanked by glitter cannons, a fog machine, and a very sweaty man dressed as a sequined Darth Vader lip-syncing to Cher’s Believe.
“The cinema has always been about spectacle, and frankly, there’s no bigger spectacle than a drag queen hitting a high note while backflipping in six-inch heels,” said Warner Bros. spokesperson Clarissa Vaughn, who added that even the new gritty war epic Mud and Blood III will begin with a kickline of queens dressed as camouflage grenades. “We want audiences to know: we support LGBTQ+ visibility, and we’re not afraid to put rhinestones on tanks to prove it.”
The change has already sparked mixed reactions among directors. Christopher Nolan reportedly demanded his entire drag prelude be shot in IMAX and performed live inside a collapsing building, while Martin Scorsese insisted his number feature “historical accuracy” and at least four cameos by Al Pacino in different wigs.
Pixar, meanwhile, has confirmed their next animated feature will open with a ballad sung by a drag version of Woody from Toy Story, titled You’ve Got a Vogue in Me.
While some critics worry the added runtime will push three-hour superhero films into six-hour endurance tests, audiences at early previews seem thrilled. One test screening of Fast & Furious 12 ended with Vin Diesel himself strutting in a feather boa, declaring, “Family is fierce,” before death-dropping onto the hood of a Lamborghini.
Box office analysts predict the new rule could usher in a golden age of cinema, where every ticket comes with not only a movie but a full-on Vegas residency experience.
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