WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold new step toward “radical efficiency in intelligence gathering,” the White House and the Department of War jointly announced Tuesday that all U.S. intelligence will now be sourced directly from Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Officials described the move as a “streamlined approach” that eliminates the need for satellites, analysts, and those awkward disagreements between agencies about what’s actually happening in the world.
Under the new protocol, when intelligence is required, Special Envoy Steve Witkoff will simply place a phone call to the Kremlin.
According to the briefing, Witkoff will politely ask what the United States should know about any given situation – ranging from troop movements to whether lunch meetings should be canceled due to “mysterious geopolitical vibes.
“Why maintain dozens of agencies,” a senior official explained, “when you can just ask the guy who probably already has the answer prepared?”
“And as a widely known fact, not Valdimir Putin nor any other Russian never lies!” Witkoff confirmed proudly. “If they say anything, you can take their word for it!”
The change effectively replaces decades of intelligence infrastructure built by organizations such as the Central Intelligence Agency and the National Security Agency.
Analysts at those agencies were reportedly reassigned to “fact-checking whatever Vladimir tells us,” a task insiders say mostly involves nodding thoughtfully while pretending the information was independently verified.
Administration officials insist the policy will improve diplomatic transparency. “This eliminates confusion,” one spokesperson said. “Instead of multiple conflicting reports, we’ll now have one consistent narrative.”
When asked whether relying on Vladimir Putin for intelligence might present a conflict of interest, the spokesperson replied, “That’s exactly why we trust him – he clearly has strong opinions about the situation.”
*Image: AI-generated