WASHINGTON, D.C. – The newly published U.S. job market report has revealed that American-born Marco Rubio (born in the sunny Miami, Florida), has reportedly taken lot’s of jobs from several common Americans. This shocking revelation has left most common Americans furious.
According to anonymous sources (probably a confused intern at the Department of Government Efficiency), Rubio is now not only working as the Secretary of State, but also as the National Security Advisor, Acting USAID Administrator, and part-time Archivist of the United States.
The discovery has sparked outrage from Americans across the country, who say they can no longer find good-paying government jobs because Rubio keeps beating them to the punch.
“Every time I apply for a federal job, he’s already there,” complained Janice Miller, a former DMV employee turned TikTok conspiracy analyst.
“Last week I showed up to interview for a parking enforcement officer position in Des Moines, and Marco was already writing tickets in a suit and tie.”
Rubio, when reached for comment, was simultaneously giving a press briefing in the Situation Room and approving a foreign aid package while brewing a pot of Maxwell House in the break room.
“Look, I just love America,” he said, juggling classified documents and a conference call with the King of Norway. “Also, I really, really like challenges. Each job comes with a different one. It’s a problem. I’m working on it with my therapist. Who is also me.”
Meanwhile, Congress is considering new legislation to limit how many jobs one Miami-born overachiever workaholic can hold at once, unofficially dubbed the “Rubio Cap.” The bill is widely expected to fail, because its only sponsor is Marco Rubio.
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore