WASHINGTON, DC – Today President Donald Trump announced his “biggest, best idea yet”: renaming the United States of America to “The USA Inc.”
President Trump explained that running the nation like a corporation would bring tremendous, absolutely tremendous benefits. “Look, folks, no one knows deals better than me. Believe me. The problem with ‘The United States of America’ is that it’s too long, too boring. Nobody’s excited about it. But The USA Inc? That’s powerful. That’s a winner,” Trump declared to a mix of cheers and bewildered silence.
Trump elaborated on the plan, stating that nations around the world would take the U.S. more seriously if it had a corporate edge. “When you go to make a deal, and you say, ‘Hi, I’m from The United States of America,’ people start yawning. But when you say, ‘I’m the CEO of The USA Inc,’ suddenly people listen. They’re impressed. They know you’re here to dominate, to negotiate, and to win,” he said.
To drive his point home, Trump unveiled a prototype logo for the rebranded nation: an enormous, golden eagle clutching an invoice and a pen, with the tagline, “Profit First, Freedom Second.”
Senator Ted Cruz called Trump’s proposal “an innovative approach to governance” and suggested selling corporate sponsorships for state names to reduce the national debt. “Imagine ‘Coca-Cola California’ or ‘Tesla Texas.’
“The revenue potential is off the charts,” Cruz mused, visibly excited. Meanwhile, critics worry the rebranding could confuse Americans, especially those already struggling to differentiate between democracy and capitalism.
As for Trump, he remains undeterred by the backlash. “They’re all jealous because they didn’t think of it first,” he said confidently. He also teased future plans, including appointing a “Board of Directors” for Congress, turning the Supreme Court into a “Human Resources Department,” and replacing the Constitution with a terms-and-conditions agreement.
“It’s going to be fantastic. Everyone’s going to love it. The USA Inc will be the greatest corporation in history, better than Apple, better than Amazon. We’re going to make America profitable again,” he concluded before leaving the stage.
* Image: Pixabay.com