WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented Oval Office ceremony held beside a suspiciously sunny window, President Donald Trump signed an executive order this morning officially banning all future snowfall and snow storms on American soil for the remainder of winter.
The order, titled “The Snow Stop Now Act (Very Strong Act)”, declares snow “unfair, un-American, and frankly overrated,” while praising rain for “knowing its place.”
Trump reportedly told aides, “Nobody likes snow more than me, but this snow? Total disaster.”
According to the White House press briefing, the executive order instructs clouds to “take their snow elsewhere,” preferably to countries that “don’t even appreciate it.”
When a reporter asked how the administration planned to enforce the ban, the President replied confidently, “We have the best enforcement. The clouds know. They’ve always known.”
Meteorologists were quick to respond by quietly placing their heads on their desks.
The order also cites economic concerns, claiming snow causes “tremendous losses” due to shoveling, slipping, and “sad-looking gray piles that last until May.”
As part of the initiative, snowplows will be repurposed for “something more positive,” though officials were unclear what that meant. One senior aide hinted they may be used to “push rain clouds around if they start getting ideas.”
Reactions across the nation have been mixed. Children were reportedly devastated, ski resorts began updating their résumés, and several states immediately requested exemptions “just in case.”
Meanwhile, snow continued to fall in parts of the Midwest, prompting the President to take to social media and accuse it of being “illegal snow” and “possibly foreign.” The snow has not yet issued a statement.
*Image: AI-generated