MOSCOW, RUSSIA – The Kremlin has announced a draft law that will make it absolutely, categorically, and quite emphatically illegal for foreign drones to blow up Russian refineries starting November 1, 2025.
The announcement – delivered via a midnight Telegram post with optional dramatic music – says violators will face unspecified but very dramatic consequences, including mandatory attendance at a two-hour seminar titled Respecting Other People’s Industrial Infrastructure 101. The timing follows a recent spate of cross-border drone strikes that have harmed a significant part of Russia’s refining network.
Details are delightfully vague: the law reportedly bans “explosions carried out by non-Russian unmanned aerial systems,” introduces a new offense called “unlicensed pyrotechnic landscaping,” and requires all foreign drones to display a red sticker reading I Come In Peace (and Will Not Explode Anything).
A registered – and very official-looking – “Refinery-Friendly” sticker will be available at customs for 999 rubles, or free if you sing the national anthem in perfect harmony while filling out Form R-2025 (digital signature optional).
Sources inside the drafting committee insist the fines will be steep and payable in both rubles and sincere apologies.
International reaction was immediate: one unnamed diplomat was quoted as saying, “We didn’t realize this was a thing that needed a law, but now that it’s the law, we will consult our legal team and the drone owner’s manual.”
Meanwhile, local refinery managers expressed relief, noting they’d long been lobbying for clearer rules on aerial etiquette, particularly during holidays.
Legal analysts, speaking on condition of anonymity because they could not stop laughing, pointed out that laws tend to be less effective at preventing explosions than, say, air defenses and common sense.
Enforcement measures include a novel proposal to deputize a select fleet of retired mail drones as “Refinery Compliance Ambassadors” and the installation of hotline number 1-800-DON’T-BLOW-UP (calls will be answered in Russian and interpretive dance).
The government urged foreign drone operators to apply for exemptions in advance, or to consider alternative protest methods such as strongly worded open letters, interpretive flash mobs, or the ancient art of singing outside embassies.
*Image: AI-generated