MOSCOW, RUSSIA – In a stunning announcement that has left military analysts speechless and horses slightly nervous, Russia has introduced its latest technological marvel: the ZRK Konyuga-3000, a horse-drawn, fully “automated” air defense system that officials proudly claim has “no analogies in the world.”
The system, which reportedly combines 19th-century horsepower with 21st-century delusion, is said to represent “a new era of mobile defense capabilities” — provided the horses cooperate and the road isn’t too muddy.
According to the Ministry of Defense, the Konyuga-3000 is operated by a two-person elite crew. The first, dubbed the “Equine Navigation Officer,” handles the horses with military precision, ensuring the unit can gallop into combat at a blistering 12 kilometers per hour.
The second, known as the “Fire Control Specialist,” mans a mounted machine gun reportedly capable of shooting at both drones and overly curious pigeons. Officials emphasized that the system’s manual targeting interface — a pair of binoculars — ensures “maximum accuracy within visible range.”
Demonstrations at the unveiling event were described as “a mix between a military exercise and a medieval festival.” Spectators were treated to a live firing test in which the system successfully “neutralized” a small paper drone after 17 attempts and one mild horse panic.
State media hailed the test as an “unprecedented success,” citing the Konyuga-3000’s ability to “engage modern aerial threats while remaining completely immune to electronic warfare — because there’s nothing electronic to jam.”
Experts in the West have expressed cautious amusement. One NATO analyst commented, “It’s simultaneously the most primitive and advanced thing I’ve ever seen,” adding that “the only real threat is if they start charging downhill.”
Meanwhile, Russian officials remain confident, boasting that the Konyuga-3000 is not only cost-effective but also environmentally friendly – a sustainable, hay-powered defense system for the modern battlefield.
*Image: X.com/@RussEmbSwe