WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling either brilliance or the most confusing statement of the year, Secretary Kristi Noem has proposed that unarmed school children should not, under any circumstances, participate in mass shootings orchestrated by a fully armed individual.
“It’s about fairness and equality,” Noem declared, holding up a piece of chalk for dramatic effect. “I am citing here our beloved President Donald Trump who said that a country shouldn’t go to war against somebody 15 times their size. In the same manner – you can’t expect a Kindergartner with a pencil to outgun someone with an AR-15. That’s just math.”
Sources say the Secretary also suggested several alternative strategies for students, including performing interpretive dance routines to distract the shooter, hosting motivational speeches to encourage the gunman to reconsider their life choices, and, in extreme cases, engaging in impromptu bake sales to “sweeten the mood.” One aide reportedly whispered, “We weren’t sure if she meant this literally… or as a metaphor for life.”
When pressed for details on implementation, Noem smiled and pulled out a flowchart that looked suspiciously like a Monopoly board.
“Step one: Hide. Step two: Run. Step three: Offer cookies. Step four… well, that’s where things get complicated.”
Critics immediately condemned the plan as “morally questionable, logistically impossible, and likely to cause mass confusion,” while social media users unleashed a torrent of memes featuring children holding cupcakes in front of armed intruders.
Despite the backlash, Noem remained steadfast, insisting her approach was “practical, innovative, and fundamentally fair.”
Analysts are now speculating whether this marks the dawn of a new era in school safety, or simply a highly theatrical performance piece titled How Not to Participate in Mass Shootings: A Secretary’s Guide.. “
* Image: nara.getarchive.ne