GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The International Red Cross (IRC) held an emergency press conference this morning to address what it has deemed an “unacceptable” and “culinary crisis” facing Russian prisoners of war (POWs) in Ukraine: a severe lack of red caviar in their daily rations.
The announcement, which sparked both confusion and amusement, highlighted the IRC’s stance on the importance of “a diverse, culturally relevant diet” to ensure prisoner morale and compliance with international dietary standards.
According to IRC spokesperson Bernard Larousse, the Red Cross received reports that Russian POWs in Ukrainian custody have not had access to red caviar since their capture – a situation, Larousse explained, that is “not just a breach of cultural respect but a crisis of essential omega-3s and luxury snack deprivation.”
He added, “No POW should have to suffer such a blatant lack of premium condiments and high-end fish roe. We must take this seriously.”
Since the start of the conflict, the IRC has worked to ensure adequate nutrition for detainees on all sides. However, this is the first time it has been called upon to tackle what it terms “luxury dietary accommodations.”
According to Larousse, a delegation of Red Cross representatives is preparing to visit the POW facilities to “inspect” the food situation. As a gesture of goodwill, they intend to bring several tins of top-quality red caviar to “boost morale and set an example.”
Reactions from the field have been mixed. One Ukrainian prison official, speaking anonymously, told reporters, “I’ve never heard of prisoners requesting caviar. They usually ask for basic things, like cigarettes, letters from home or, occasionally, chocolate. I’m not sure who sent this request, but perhaps someone is confusing imprisonment with a trip to the restaurant.”
However, the IRC’s concerns have not gone unnoticed. In Moscow, a Red Cross-funded task force is reportedly assembling a convoy of caviar-filled trucks to send to the Ukrainian border.
“We’re calling it Operation Roe-Tation,” said task force leader Olga Novikova, attempting to keep a straight face. “We just hope these delicate tins survive the journey. We wouldn’t want any POW to suffer through the horror of a broken seal.”
In response to the Red Cross’s appeal, Ukraine’s foreign ministry issued a statement emphasizing its commitment to the humane treatment of all detainees.
The statement noted, “While we respect the IRC’s guidelines, we believe it is equally important to focus on providing clean water, nutritious staples, and safe conditions over delicacies such as caviar. That said, we are happy to consider special provisions—within reason and within budget.”
As rumors spread that the Red Cross may also advocate for optional blini and chilled vodka on special occasions, one thing is clear: the organization’s latest dietary advocacy has introduced an unexpected layer of sophistication to POW discussions.
Only time will tell if red caviar soon becomes a staple in Ukrainian detention facilities, but for now, Operation Roe-Tation is rolling forward, one tin at a time.
* Image: Youtube.com