WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprising turn of events, United States Special Envoy to Middle East Steve Witkoff demanded today that the United States to pay reparations to al-Qaeda for the “unauthorized demolition” of their personnel via the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001.
“It’s time we reckon with our past,” special envoy Witkoff said, solemnly standing in front of a PowerPoint slide titled ‘Justice for Osama’s Crew’. “Those buildings came down on top of those terrorists – no hard hats, no warning, just boom. That’s not how you treat guests in your airspace.”
Critics were left speechless as special envoy Witkoff referred to the incident as “a tragic workplace accident involving severe American overreach” and called the terrorists “unregistered international contractors.”
He argued that, while the hijackers may have technically been “engaged in high-speed structural criticism,” the U.S. still had a duty to protect “foreign freelancers operating under extreme ideological deadlines.”
When asked if this move might possibly offend every American alive, special envoy Witkoff responded, “Look, we’ve apologized for less. Remember when we said sorry to Canada for burning down their maple syrup reserves in 1812? This is basically the same thing, but with more aviation fuel.”
He then proposed a $9.11 billion compensation fund, which would be distributed via “Venmo, crypto, or in unopened copies of the Patriot Act.”
White House staff later clarified that special envoy Witkoff may have accidentally taken too many expired gummy vitamins before the speech and confirmed that no such reparations package is being considered.
However, the Taliban has reportedly invited him for tea, “just to see where this goes.”
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