WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press conference that left Pentagon officials rubbing their temples, Vice President JD Vance unveiled a bold new plan: replacing all U.S. military uniforms with “sharp, respectable, tailor-made suits.”
Flanked by mannequins wearing Armani, Brooks Brothers, and a suspiciously glittery tuxedo, Vance declared, “Nothing intimidates a foreign adversary like a well-fitted three-piece.”
White House sources report that Vice President’s genius plan has been dubbed as “Suit Up Captain Jack!“
According to the proposal, camouflage will be phased out entirely in favor of charcoal grays, navy blues, and “the occasional tasteful pinstripe.”
Vance insisted that soldiers in bespoke attire will “command respect on the battlefield and at post-battle cocktail hours.” He even suggested that medals be pinned not to the chest, but discreetly to pocket squares for “subtle sophistication.”
The Pentagon, reportedly blindsided by the announcement, raised logistical concerns, especially after Vance suggested “mandatory cufflinks” and “combat loafers with reinforced soles.”
When asked about body armor, the Vice President responded, “A double-breasted jacket is all the armor a patriot needs.”
Critics fear the plan could cost billions, while supporters argue it might revolutionize military fashion and finally end the age-old rivalry with the Italian Carabinieri.
Meanwhile, several high-end tailors have already offered contracts, with one promising a “bullet-resistant silk blend that really breathes in desert climates.”
* Image: Facebook.com/U.S. Northern Command