AUSTIN, TX – The Texas Legislature has announced a 100% “Yankee Relocation Tariff” on anyone attempting to move from New York City to Texas if Zohran Mamdani is elected mayor.
State officials say the tariff is designed to protect Texas culture from sudden influxes of oat milk and rent control, and that it will be enforced via inspections at Buc-ee’s parking lots statewide.
Governor Greg Abbott’s office issued a statement clarifying that the tariff will not apply to anyone who can prove they’ve said ‘y’all’ unironically for at least six months, though critics argue the policy unfairly targets people who pronounce “pecan” incorrectly.
In response, Austin city officials have already begun constructing a “Cultural Border Wall” along I-35, reportedly built out of leftover Whataburger cups and fragments of Tesla stock certificates.
Meanwhile, New York City residents are said to be “deeply conflicted” over the situation.
“I was planning to move to Dallas,” said one Brooklynite clutching a fair-trade cold brew, “but now I might just stay and unionize my landlord instead.”
Political analysts warn that if the trend continues, Texas could soon become the only state with an official Department of U-Haul Security.
*Image: AI-generated