ANCHORAGE, ALASKA – Officials are calling this “the most inconvenient breach of national security in recent history,” after military personnel at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson awoke this morning to discover that every toilet on base had mysteriously vanished overnight.
The disappearance was first reported when a sergeant, rushing to the latrine at 0600 hours, was met instead with an empty row of floor drains and a note taped to the wall that simply read: “Dasvidaniya.” (“See you later” in Russian language)
The incident occurred less than 24 hours after the conclusion of the Alaska Summit, during which a high-ranking Russian delegation toured several facilities on base.
While Pentagon spokespeople insist the visit was limited to “non-sensitive areas,” sources confirmed the Russians were given an unusually detailed tour of plumbing systems “to demonstrate NATO-standard water efficiency.”
Military investigators are now working under the theory that the toilets were “strategically extracted” by the Russian delegation during the visit. A junior officer speaking on condition of anonymity said, “We don’t know how they did it. You don’t just smuggle out 500 toilets without someone noticing. Unless, of course, you have very large coats.”
The Department of Defense has since issued a procurement request titled “Urgent Replacement: Tactical Latrine Units, Domestic Use Only.”
In the meantime, soldiers have been ordered to “hold it” until further notice – a strategy insiders say is already threatening base morale more than any adversary could.
* Image: X.com/@JayinKyiv