WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunningly unconventional history lesson during the press yesterday at the White House, President Donald Trump told reporters that if he had been King of the Great Britain back in the 18th century, the American Revolutionary War would have “never happened, not even close.”
Trump, who has often praised his own deal-making skills, insisted that colonial America “would’ve loved me, loved me more than George Washington, probably. We would’ve had tremendous unity, the best unity, believe me.”
According to Trump, instead of Boston Tea Parties, colonists would have thrown “Trump Tea Parties” where, in his words, “everyone would drink the tea, because it would be the best tea – made in China, but imported by me, and people would say it’s incredible.”
He went on to suggest that taxes would have been “beautifully low, the lowest anyone’s ever seen, because nobody negotiates taxes like me, not even Benjamin Franklin, and I know he was supposed to be smart, but let’s be honest, he hadn’t read my ‘The Art of The Deal’.”
Trump also claimed that his hypothetical reign would have included “the biggest, most luxurious White House in London,” complete with gold-plated cannons and a moat “better than any castle in Europe, people are saying so.”
He even hinted that the Declaration of Independence might never have been written, saying, “If Jefferson tried to write it, I’d have said, ‘Tom, don’t waste your time, I’ve already got the best words.’”
Historians have yet to weigh in on this revisionist fantasy, though one unnamed expert was reportedly seen banging his head against a stack of history books.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace declined to comment on whether the Trumpian version of the monarchy would have included a royal Twitter account, though speculation is mounting that it would have been “the most followed, most powerful royal account in the history of the world – probably bigger than Shakespeare.”
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