WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump expressed “tremendous, unbelievable disappointment” today, blasting the Nobel Committee for not awarding him the Nobel Peace Prize – despite it being five full days since his now-legendary tweet, “Vladimir, STOP!”, aimed at ending global tensions.
Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Trump said, “Frankly, I thought I’d be getting the Nobel by lunchtime on day one. I mean, it was the most powerful three words in the history of peace. Way better than ‘Make Love, Not War,’ which, by the way, was very weak. Very sad slogan.”
“Frankly, it was the greatest tweet. World-saving. Everybody’s saying it,” Trump declared, gesturing wildly. “Five days! What more do they need? I practically ended all the wars!”
Sources close to Trump report that he has been refreshing the Nobel Prize website hourly, anxiously awaiting a surprise announcement. According to one aide, Trump even drafted a speech titled “Finally, a Prize I Deserve—And They Can’t Rig It This Time.”
At one point during the press conference, Trump threatened to “build a much better, much more luxurious Nobel Prize” if the current one continued to ignore him.
Other sources revealed that Trump has already designed a commemorative coin featuring himself, a dove, and the words “STOPPED EVERYTHING. YOU’RE WELCOME.” The coin will retail for $99.99 at the Trump Store, with a “Buy One, Get a Second One at Full Price” promotion.
Meanwhile, members of the Nobel Committee were reportedly baffled by the pressure campaign, with one anonymous official remarking, “We usually wait until at least some peace happens first.”
However, Trump remained undeterred. When asked what he would do if still ignored, Trump hinted at starting his own line of awards, tentatively called the “Trump Prizes,” featuring categories like “Greatest Handsomeness,” “Most Victories, Bigly,” and “Best Use of Social Media to Solve Global Conflicts in 280 Characters or Less.”
Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidamore