WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has already been hailed as the greatest innovation in transportation since the wheel, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order permanently banning red lights across the United States.
Effective immediately, all traffic lights are to remain green at all times, with officials instructed to paint over or simply ignore the red ones.
Trump declared the order “a tremendous victory for drivers, probably the biggest victory in the history of driving,” before adding that red lights were “a total scam, invented by the deep state to waste your gas and your time.”
Vice-President JD Vance quickly praised the decision, noting that it would “dramatically speed up traffic flow, especially in struggling Rust Belt towns where people have been stuck at the same red light since 1994.”
Vance further suggested that endless green lights would revive the economy by allowing truckers to deliver goods “at warp speed,” while also restoring American freedom.
“If you think about it, every red light was basically socialism,” Vance added, earning loud honks of approval from nearby motorists who had already started ignoring traffic laws in celebration.
Transportation officials, meanwhile, appeared visibly nervous when asked how intersections would function without stop signals.
One unnamed DOT worker admitted, “Well, technically every street is now a highway, so I guess people just figure it out.”
Another muttered something about “the collapse of modern civilization” before being drowned out by the sound of squealing tires and a 17-car pileup in the distance.
Despite concerns, the administration insists the new policy is already working. “We are seeing traffic move faster than ever before, even if sometimes it’s sideways,” Trump’s press secretary said in a briefing. “The president has solved traffic, possibly forever.”
When asked about safety, Trump replied confidently: “Look, accidents are way up, but waiting times are way down. That’s what I call winning.”
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