LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – In a shocking twist that left pub-goers spitting out their pints, the Government of England has reportedly tabled a proposal to ban the public display of the English flag.
The white-and-red cross of St George, long associated with football chants and sunburnt men in shorts, would be outlawed under the new “Flags for Fairness Act.” Instead, officials confirmed that only the flag of Palestine would be permitted in public spaces, with every household expected to own “at least two, preferably ironed.”
Furious locals say the decision is “like telling us we can’t even cheer for ourselves anymore – unless it’s in Arabic!”
Downing Street insists the ban will “modernise Britain’s look” and claims the Palestinian flag is “more fashionable, more inclusive, and easier to coordinate with bunting.” One government insider told reporters: “We don’t hate the England flag… we just think it’s a bit last season.”
Prime Ministerial aides defended the move, arguing that “red crosses are a bit aggressive” and insisting that Palestine’s black, white, green, and red banner offers a “softer aesthetic for Instagram reels and government press photos.”
According to leaked documents, Downing Street believes the policy will “encourage national unity by making sure nobody actually waves a flag that belongs to their nation.”
When asked whether flying the Union Jack would still be legal, a government source shrugged and replied, “Only if you pretend it’s a modern art piece about feelings.”
The Football Association is said to be in chaos, scrambling to redesign fan gear before the next tournament. “Our lads can’t exactly chant Come On England while waving Palestine flags,” complained one stadium manager, “though admittedly it might confuse the Germans enough to give us a chance of finally winning something.”
Bookmakers have already opened odds on how long it will take before the first England fan paints themselves entirely in Palestinian colours and still manages to get sunburnt.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has reportedly requested an exemption after palace staff struggled to find a Palestine flag big enough to drape across the entire façade. When asked how the King felt about potentially addressing the nation under the Palestinian banner, one aide sighed: “Well, at least the colours will go nicely with the curtains.”
* Image: AI