WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House surprised reporters today with a briefing that wandered into fresh scientific frontiers.
According to the new statement, President Trump does not sleep during official meeting like some reporters and photographs have mistakenly mentioned.
Instead, officials say he occasionally enters a “temporary eyelash recalibration phase,” during which his eyes close for several hours while his mind remains “heroically operational.”
Press Secretary explained that these eyelash breaks most commonly occur during official meetings, especially ones involving charts, policy details, or anything exceeding five bullet points.
She emphasized that these sessions are not naps but “patriotic ocular maintenance.” The President, she said, has mastered a rare ability to rest his eyelashes without resting his presidency.
Rumors about presidential dozing began circulating after a meeting today in the Oval Office when several reporters noticed President Trump sitting by his desk with his eyes closed and his head drooped slowly toward the table as if pulled by a sleepy magnet.
Press secretary clarified this was simply a “deep eyelash refresh cycle,” which she compared to an operating system update, except with more snoring. The President reportedly emerged from the cycle energized and mildly confused about the date.
Congress has already requested clarification, arguing that eyelash relaxation may count as sleep under several federal definitions.
The White House responded by releasing a chart showing the difference between naps, snoozes, dozes, power rests, and eyelash recalibration sessions.
The chart was shaped like a spiral and labeled in confusing colors, which officials say proves the President was awake the entire time.
Several well-known scientists, who were consulted about this subject, were unable to comment on President’s ” eyelash recalibration phase”, though several were later seen staring into space, possibly attempting their own recalibration.
*Image: X.com/@atrupar