NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – In a stunning victory that shocked pundits and delighted Marxist book clubs across the five boroughs,
At his victory rally, Zohran Mamdani, a freshly elected next mayor of New York, promised to bring “a new dawn of workers’ power, communal composting, and unlimited public Wi-Fi,” before adding, “and if anything goes wrong, we already know who to blame.”
Sources close to the administration report that Mamdani’s first act as mayor will be to replace the NYPD with a “Neighborhood Committee of Kindness,” where citizens settle disputes via slam poetry and consensus-building drum circles.
Economists are less optimistic about his economic plan, which includes converting Wall Street into a public library and replacing the dollar with a “Mutual Aid Coin,” exchangeable only for lentils.
“It’s bold, it’s visionary, and it’s definitely going to make my landlord cry,” said one enthusiastic supporter from Bushwick.
When asked what he would do if his socialist reforms ran into trouble, Mamdani remained confident. “If the city collapses, it’s not because socialism doesn’t work – it’s because the system couldn’t handle how equitable I am,” he told reporters, adjusting his Che Guevara tote bag. “If the subway stops running, that’s not on me. That’s structural bias.”
Political analysts note that while Mamdani’s policies might spark chaos, his preemptive blame strategy is flawless.
“By declaring racism the root cause of every future failure,” one commentator observed, “he’s essentially made himself scandal-proof.”
As the new mayor took a victory lap through Times Square – now temporarily renamed “People’s Square (Under Construction)” – Mamdani smiled and waved to cheering crowds, promising that “this time, socialism will work – unless it doesn’t, and then we’ll have a very important conversation about why.”
*Image: AI-generated