WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling a “total mystery wrapped in an enigma shouting through a megaphone,” local authorities have urged the public not to jump to conclusions after a man opened fire on Israeli Embassy staff while loudly chanting “Free Palestine!”
Witnesses report the suspect also wore a T-shirt reading “Ask Me About Ending the Occupation,” but officials remain baffled by his possible motivations.
“We don’t want to rush to judgment,” said Police Spokesperson Lt. Carl McNeutral. “Yes, he had pamphlets, a bullhorn, and a custom-made banner that read ‘Free Palestine!’ But until we conduct a full psychological profile, consult a tea leaf reader, and possibly wait for a divine revelation, we just can’t say what was going on in his mind.”
FBI analysts are reportedly combing through years of the suspect’s social media posts, including his viral TikTok dance to “Gas Gas Gas” in front of a Palestinian flag, hoping for clues.
“There’s always the possibility he was just making a very aggressive DoorDash delivery,” one unnamed agent suggested, adding, “Let’s not politicize a potential Uber Eats misunderstanding.”
Meanwhile, the media has promised 24/7 coverage filled with complete ambiguity. “We’re committed to speculating responsibly,” said one cable news anchor. “And until we have all the facts, we’ll be interviewing 17 experts to explain why this might be related to Mercury being in retrograde.”
* Image: Wikimedia commons cc-ac 2.0
