WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a candid moment during a press conference held entirely in lowercase for “dramatic contrast,” President Donald Trump expressed mild disappointment that his trademark all-caps tweets did not, in fact, solve a single international crisis.
“I thought if I shouted loud enough online, they’d get it,” Trump said, referring vaguely to “them,” which sources believe may include Russia, North Korea, NATO, or possibly the entire population of Canada.
For years, Trump believed that his aggressive use of capital letters in social media – often accompanied by exclamation points and the occasional typo – was a form of digital megaphone diplomacy.
“When I tweeted ‘CHINA IS PLAYING GAMES!!!’ I thought, boom, problem solved. I even used three exclamation points, which is very powerful, very strong. Nobody uses three unless they mean it,” Trump noted, visibly confused as to why Beijing did not immediately respond with unconditional surrender.
White House insiders say Trump had been working on a top-secret “Tweet Peace Plan,” which involved sending a series of increasingly loud tweets to global leaders. The plan reportedly failed when French President Emmanuel Macron muted Trump’s account and replaced it with a live feed of a Parisian cheese shop.
“They didn’t even LIKE the tweets,” Trump complained. “I used tremendous fonts. Bold. All caps. Very presidential.”
Despite the setback, Trump remains optimistic. “Look, it didn’t work YET, okay? But maybe the problem was not enough caps. We’re thinking about going full emoji next time,” he said, before floating the idea of a new diplomatic strategy called “HASHTAG PEACE.”
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidamore