TEHRAN, IRAN – Iran has reportedly begun mining the Strait of Hormuz – not with explosives, but with what officials describe as “highly sensitive, reputationally devastating documents labeled Epstein Files: Extended Director’s Cut.”
The strategy, according to unnamed sources, is designed to deter any U.S. presence, including naval and airborne, by triggering what one Iranian commander called “extreme levels of bipartisan panic.”
The development comes amid already heightened tensions in the region, where real-world reports have suggested Iran could deploy actual naval mines in the strategic waterway that carries a significant share of global oil.
However, insiders claim the new “information-based minefield” may be even more effective. “You can defuse a regular mine,” one analyst noted. “You cannot defuse 3,000 pages of suddenly relevant flight logs.”
U.S. officials have yet to confirm the reports but admitted off-record that several reconnaissance drones “immediately turned around” after detecting what appeared to be PDF files floating ominously in the water.
A Pentagon spokesperson stated, “We are currently assessing whether these documents are authentic, AI-generated, or worst of all… readable.”
Meanwhile, defense contractors are reportedly scrambling to develop a new class of naval counter-measure known as “plausible deniability torpedoes.”
Diplomats are urging calm, though one White House official privately admitted, “If even 10% of those files are real, we may need to declare the entire ocean a no-go zone.”
As of now, the U.S. Navy has adopted a cautious approach, maintaining a safe distance while loudly insisting it was “never planning to go there anyway.”
*Image: AI-generated